I am not a chewed up piece of gum

Last night was a difficult  night and this morning was not much better. I've been in a bad mood and unkind thoughts were running through my mind, bumping into each other and spilling things and making a huge mess. I went on Facebook to vent, because when I can't scream and yell at the top of my lungs, I choose to write scathing and angry things on Facebook. I logged in and scrolled through my news feed and was stopped short by a quote that my beautiful friend, Lorelei posted:

The success of love is in the loving -- it is not in the result of loving.
― Mother Teresa, A Simple Path: Mother Teresa

I had a little bit of time last night to think. I was alone and kind of lost in the dark and I had a sort of epiphany. I remember reading a speech that Elizabeth Smart had given where she said she used to compare herself to a piece of used chewing gum because of what she had experienced during her abduction. This is an exert of an article about her:

Smart said she "felt so dirty and so filthy" after she was raped by her captor, and she understands why someone wouldn't run "because of that alone."
Smart spoke at a Johns Hopkins human trafficking forum, saying she was raised in a religious household and recalled a school teacher who spoke once about abstinence and compared sex to chewing gum.
"I thought, 'Oh, my gosh, I'm that chewed up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away.' And that's how easy it is to feel like you no longer have worth, you no longer have value," Smart said. "Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value."

Due to a few unfortunate experiences when I was young, I have subconsciously compared myself to that chewed up piece of gum. I aimed low when it came to relationships, choosing men who treated my badly because I felt I deserved it. In the movie, Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts' character responds to compliments from Richard Geer by saying "the bad stuff is easier to believe." I can totally identify with that.

When I was in Young Women's, we would recite the Young Women's theme every Sunday. It began by saying: We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love him, and then one of the values of YW is Individual Worth. I recited this every week. I had lessons on self worth. My mom and dad and grandparents told me I was beautiful. Friends and leaders told me I had value. But I never felt it because intermingled with these lessons of my self worth were lessons that told me I was not worthy because I let someone violate me and I could never re-wrap that gift and un-do that damage.

Elizabeth Smart believes children should be told that "you will always have value and nothing can change that." I've heard my church leaders say the same thing. I don't think it has ever hit home until I heard these words by this courageous and admirable young women. After all she went through, she can stand up and say she has worth.

Thank you, Ms. Smart. I can stand up and say that I too have worth. I am not a chewed up piece of gum.

And thank you, Mother Teresa. I am successful because I have chosen to open my heart and love with my entire being. I am not a failure because I am not loved in return.