I Love to See the Temple

When I drive to work every day, I have the incredible good fortune to see four temples on the way to my office. FOUR temples! On a very clear day, when I drive into Bluffdale, I might be able to see all the way into the city and see the Salt Lake Temple. But every day, I see the Mount Timpanogas Temple, the Draper Temple, the Jordan River Temple and the Oquirrh Mountain Temple.

I see four temples every single day. 

The magnitude of that is rarely lost on me. I grew up in an area where the temple was about an hour and a half away. It didn't seem like a big deal. When I was in Young Women's, we would go on temple trips to do baptisms and it would be an ALL DAY thing but it was always such a wonderful experience. 

When I was first married, Doug and I moved to Logan and we had a temple right there on the hill! It was such a blessing to go and spend a few hours in the temple every month. 

Later in our marriage, we moved to Orem and we were in between two temples, Mount Timpanogas and Provo. Doug and I would try to go once a month and I traded babysitting with a neighbor so I could go on my own once or twice a month. 

I now live so close to FOUR temples and I haven't been able to attend ANY. A few months ago, the privilege to return to the temple to do baptisms was returned to me, but I have not been able to go through a session in 5 years. 

I love the temple. I miss the temple. In August, I get to return to the temple. 

I've been thinking a lot about this as I'm preparing to go. I've been in fierce confrontations with the adversary. At first, he preyed on my self esteem and fed my depression. When I overcame that, he preyed on my physical desires which was a lot more difficult to overcome. He then preyed on my temper, which got the better of me a couple times but I managed to overcome that as well. And now he is preying on my logic. 

Did Joseph Smith really see Heavenly Father and our Savior? Did he really translate the Book of Mormon? Is any of this real? Am I crazy to believe it? Am I a sheep? I'm too liberal for this church. I am a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I am not a Stepford Mormon.

I won't get into the specifics of all of my questions and feelings, but I have been bombarded with articles and criticisms and topics I don't agree with. I have my moments when I am ready to walk away and then I drive to work and I see these temples and I remember. I remember seeing my precious Ethan brought into the sealing room when he was five months old and looking at his countenance and KNOWING, without a doubt, that I RECOGNIZED his spirit. He was entrusted to me by a loving Father in Heaven. His spirit existed before he was born and I knew him. And we will exist after this life. I know that. 

I have my moments of pure anger and frustration and then I see the temples and I remember missing my grandfather so terribly the first time I went through the temple. I had wished so much that he could have been there. I heard his voice and felt his spirit as I prepared to enter the Celestial Room. I had the confirmation that families are eternal. He was there with me. I didn't see him but I felt him. Because even though his body is gone, he still exists. 

I have my moments of failure and despair and I see the temples and remember sitting in the sealing room and seeing my reflection in the mirrors going on forever and realizing that I have so much time to correct my mistakes. Failure is momentary. My spirit is eternal. Our church is based on the Atonement. The Gospel is all about redemption and the opportunity to bury and sins, to shed our burdens and take upon us the name of Christ so we can be whole. Why did I give that up in the first place? It doesn't matter because I still have the opportunity to get it back!

This is what redemption looks like!! It's me! 

Being able to return to the temple is what keeps me going. I cannot wait to go back. 

I am not a chewed up piece of gum

Last night was a difficult  night and this morning was not much better. I've been in a bad mood and unkind thoughts were running through my mind, bumping into each other and spilling things and making a huge mess. I went on Facebook to vent, because when I can't scream and yell at the top of my lungs, I choose to write scathing and angry things on Facebook. I logged in and scrolled through my news feed and was stopped short by a quote that my beautiful friend, Lorelei posted:

The success of love is in the loving -- it is not in the result of loving.
― Mother Teresa, A Simple Path: Mother Teresa

I had a little bit of time last night to think. I was alone and kind of lost in the dark and I had a sort of epiphany. I remember reading a speech that Elizabeth Smart had given where she said she used to compare herself to a piece of used chewing gum because of what she had experienced during her abduction. This is an exert of an article about her:

Smart said she "felt so dirty and so filthy" after she was raped by her captor, and she understands why someone wouldn't run "because of that alone."
Smart spoke at a Johns Hopkins human trafficking forum, saying she was raised in a religious household and recalled a school teacher who spoke once about abstinence and compared sex to chewing gum.
"I thought, 'Oh, my gosh, I'm that chewed up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away.' And that's how easy it is to feel like you no longer have worth, you no longer have value," Smart said. "Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value."

Due to a few unfortunate experiences when I was young, I have subconsciously compared myself to that chewed up piece of gum. I aimed low when it came to relationships, choosing men who treated my badly because I felt I deserved it. In the movie, Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts' character responds to compliments from Richard Geer by saying "the bad stuff is easier to believe." I can totally identify with that.

When I was in Young Women's, we would recite the Young Women's theme every Sunday. It began by saying: We are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love him, and then one of the values of YW is Individual Worth. I recited this every week. I had lessons on self worth. My mom and dad and grandparents told me I was beautiful. Friends and leaders told me I had value. But I never felt it because intermingled with these lessons of my self worth were lessons that told me I was not worthy because I let someone violate me and I could never re-wrap that gift and un-do that damage.

Elizabeth Smart believes children should be told that "you will always have value and nothing can change that." I've heard my church leaders say the same thing. I don't think it has ever hit home until I heard these words by this courageous and admirable young women. After all she went through, she can stand up and say she has worth.

Thank you, Ms. Smart. I can stand up and say that I too have worth. I am not a chewed up piece of gum.

And thank you, Mother Teresa. I am successful because I have chosen to open my heart and love with my entire being. I am not a failure because I am not loved in return. 

New & Improved

It's been awhile since I've updated my blog. So much has happened this past year! Let's see if I can bring ya'll up to date!

Many people don't know that when I was 15, I got pregnant and had a baby boy whom I placed for adoption. In October of 2012, my son, Kimball and I found each other! We have been cultivating a relationship ever since! He's now 19 and lives in Idaho with his family. He totally fits right into our family! It's such a wonderful blessing. For many years I felt like I had a part of me that was missing. Now, that part has been filled in. I'm whole.

Well... almost....

Another thing you may not know is that I lost my membership in my church due to some obviously bad, decisions. Actually, those decisions were destructive, not just bad. I've been working hard to be baptized again. I miss my membership. I miss the temple. As soon as I am able to make these covenants again, I will be whole.

Losing my membership was like experiencing a death. It was one of the most devastating moments of my life. I felt I could not share my pain with anyone else so I kept it to myself. It took a long time until I was humble enough to share it with my parents and family. And it took even longer to share it with my kids. But it was a great lesson in forgiveness. I have been able to show my children that the foundation of our church is the Atonement. We can always come back. We can always be forgiven. I am so grateful for this opportunity. My love and appreciation for my Savior has grown exponentially. Things have changed inside me and the brokenness that I've lived with for so long has finally healed. 

I have an incredible bishop and wonderful leaders in my ward. They are so great with my kids and are so good to us!! We are so blessed to be able to make this fresh start in Spanish Fork. I love it here. Every time I drive home and see the windmills at the mouth of the canyon, I just smile. THIS is my home. For the first time in my entire life, I belong somewhere.

My children are thriving! What a blessing they are to me. I was not only blessed with incredible children, but I was blessed with kindred spirits. Not only do I LOVE my children, but I LIKE them, too! I have so much fun with them. I look forward to being with them. I miss them when they are gone and I get so excited when they come home. They have been so kind and understanding and patient with their crazy mother. We've had a lot of growing pains but for the most part, we've come into our own.

All the kids are doing well in school. I can't believe Ethan will be in 9th grade and my triplets will be in JUNIOR HIGH!!! Ethan is being ordained a TEACHER on June 2nd and Garrett and Chase with be ordained DEACONS in July! Mckenzie will be in Young Women's. It just boggles my mind!! Carter is doing so well in school and he and Mckenzie have decided to run track this summer. The rest of the boys want to take some sort of Martial Arts and or archery. We'll see how that goes. We definitely need to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse. Running, kicking, punching and shooting are of vital importance right now! Haha! They're even teaching Seth a few moves. He now knows how to Ninja kick. Seth is getting so big and starting to talk more and more. He was blessed with a strong spirit! (And a little bit of stubbornness.... but I have no idea where he gets that from....)

In addition to working on my inside, I am working on my outside! I've been going to the gym and trying to get into shape! My goal is to hike Angel's Landing in Zion's by the end of the summer! I'm so excited.

Well, there's our update for now. I'm excited to have my blog back up and running so I can share our progress with you!

Forgiveness Questions

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. I have two friends struggling with cancer right now. One friend who is helping her child fight it and a friend who, after two years of remission, is now fighting again to beat Leukemia. When faced with the fragile nature of life, it's difficult to want to hold onto anger.

After noticing something on Facebook, I wanted to ask my ex-husband why and how he could still be friends with someone who had hurt our son. The incident happened quite some time ago, but my son still brings it up as a point in time when his feelings were hurt. Every time he brings it up, my anger flares... So, I had to consciously stop myself several times today from asking Doug why he still associated with those people. It doesn't matter. Does it?

I read somewhere that if we choose not to forgive, we are basically saying that the Savior's atonement isn't enough for us. We have been commanded to forgive all men ALL things. This is a hard thing to do. I can generally let go of things done to me, but when my kids are hurt, this Incredible Hulk/Mama Bear thing happens to me and I want to inflict bodily harm. But what is that teaching my kids? Hurt people first, then forgive?

The fact is, there are people in the world who are mean and do things to intentionally hurt people for whatever reason. There are also those who don't mean to hurt others. They may be thoughtless or careless, but their intention is never to cause pain. I hope I fall under the latter. I have tried not to set out to be offensive. I have TRIED.

We have to forgive both kinds of people. And we have to forgive them BEFORE we think of revenge, before we retaliate. I have a hard time with that part of it. My temper gets the better of me and then that filter between my brain and my mouth malfunctions. I have had to practice control and restraint. Control I can handle, restraint is totally foreign to me.

So now my thoughts go to the question of.. what do I do after I start the process of forgiveness? I tend to disconnect. Stop talking, stop interacting... for all intents and purposes, I hide. My theory is, fool me once, shame on you.. fool me twice, shame on me. So to prevent the "fool me twice," I take my leave. I don't do it all the time. With close friends and family, I obviously reconnect eventually. But with others, I put up walls. Is this healthy? Does it still qualify as forgiveness? Should I be trying to work to save a friendship or relationship that has been tainted by betrayal? Am I terrible for thinking that some relationships aren't worth saving?

If those people who are outside of my walls were experiencing something terrible like a terminal illness, would I regret building the walls?

These walls don't just keep out the betrayers... they tend to help me hide from potential relationships as well. Why risk being fooled even once? I think I'm a nice person, I try to be warm and friendly, but letting someone be part of us feels like it's a bigger risk than I want to take.

I've been asked how I would want to be treated if I were the betrayer. I've been the betrayer. I've been the offender. And frankly, I had to accept the consequences of my actions and I felt bitterly sad by both my actions and the consequences. I wouldn't blame the person I offended for keeping me outside their walls. Is that wrong? Should I be trying to rebuild those relationships?

He'll turn everything around for thy good....

Welcome to my new blog! It needed to be done. Gone with the old, in with the new! To commemorate our fresh start, we are retiring our old family blog and beginning anew.

It's the perfect time of year for the new. It's Christmas! It's the time of year to celebrate the birth of a brand new baby boy who was sent to us to save us. Usually, I look at Spring as a time for re-birth but there's something about this season this year that makes me want to celebrate the new.

The past couple Christmases have been hard. We've gone through our mourning and adjustment period and now we're ready to MOVE FORWARD! To do that, I have had to embrace being a single mom. It's not easy. It's really scary! I mean, I'm now the one who has to make sure the doors are locked, that the car gets an oil change, and that the garbage makes it out to the curb. I am now the one who has to tie Ethan's tie for church and talk to him about shaving! (What? SHAVING??) I also don't get to say "wait till your father gets home." I get to be the one who deals with all discipline. Woo-hoo. This single mom thing is so not easy, but there are up sides. For instance, I'm the one who always gets the snuggles. I get to enjoy the best moments my children give me. I don't have to share! And, if I want to have pink sheets, I can! (In truth, my sheets are turquoise, but if I wanted pink sheets, I could have them.) Perhaps this may sound selfish to you, but I get to reap this particular reward of this brand of motherhood.

When I am alone and start to feel the self pity start to creep in, I think of my six amazing children and suddenly I feel just fine. The past two years have sucked. There really is no other way to describe it! But we decided to "Cowboy Up." After all, the Lord has promised He'll turn everything around for our good. Even my horrible mistakes will be to my benefit if I allow His hand to guide us.

Here's to an amazing Christmas! It's going to be a Holly Jolly one!