I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. I have two friends struggling with cancer right now. One friend who is helping her child fight it and a friend who, after two years of remission, is now fighting again to beat Leukemia. When faced with the fragile nature of life, it's difficult to want to hold onto anger.
After noticing something on Facebook, I wanted to ask my ex-husband why and how he could still be friends with someone who had hurt our son. The incident happened quite some time ago, but my son still brings it up as a point in time when his feelings were hurt. Every time he brings it up, my anger flares... So, I had to consciously stop myself several times today from asking Doug why he still associated with those people. It doesn't matter. Does it?
I read somewhere that if we choose not to forgive, we are basically saying that the Savior's atonement isn't enough for us. We have been commanded to forgive all men ALL things. This is a hard thing to do. I can generally let go of things done to me, but when my kids are hurt, this Incredible Hulk/Mama Bear thing happens to me and I want to inflict bodily harm. But what is that teaching my kids? Hurt people first, then forgive?
The fact is, there are people in the world who are mean and do things to intentionally hurt people for whatever reason. There are also those who don't mean to hurt others. They may be thoughtless or careless, but their intention is never to cause pain. I hope I fall under the latter. I have tried not to set out to be offensive. I have TRIED.
We have to forgive both kinds of people. And we have to forgive them BEFORE we think of revenge, before we retaliate. I have a hard time with that part of it. My temper gets the better of me and then that filter between my brain and my mouth malfunctions. I have had to practice control and restraint. Control I can handle, restraint is totally foreign to me.
So now my thoughts go to the question of.. what do I do after I start the process of forgiveness? I tend to disconnect. Stop talking, stop interacting... for all intents and purposes, I hide. My theory is, fool me once, shame on you.. fool me twice, shame on me. So to prevent the "fool me twice," I take my leave. I don't do it all the time. With close friends and family, I obviously reconnect eventually. But with others, I put up walls. Is this healthy? Does it still qualify as forgiveness? Should I be trying to work to save a friendship or relationship that has been tainted by betrayal? Am I terrible for thinking that some relationships aren't worth saving?
If those people who are outside of my walls were experiencing something terrible like a terminal illness, would I regret building the walls?
These walls don't just keep out the betrayers... they tend to help me hide from potential relationships as well. Why risk being fooled even once? I think I'm a nice person, I try to be warm and friendly, but letting someone be part of us feels like it's a bigger risk than I want to take.
I've been asked how I would want to be treated if I were the betrayer. I've been the betrayer. I've been the offender. And frankly, I had to accept the consequences of my actions and I felt bitterly sad by both my actions and the consequences. I wouldn't blame the person I offended for keeping me outside their walls. Is that wrong? Should I be trying to rebuild those relationships?
